The business world has its own weird way of communicating. It likes jargon and coded language. But never fear! Here is a translation of some of the most common phrases and expressions you’re likely to see in a job description. 

• “Challenging personalities” — You will work with assholes. All day, every day.
• “We’re looking for someone to hit the ground running” — We’re not going to train you.
• “Our top sales people have made up to $X!” — One person made this once. In a different country. It was a fluke. We’ve since changed the commission structure so it never happens again.
• “We’re family here.” — We have no boundaries, we will expect you to do all sorts of outrageous things on your own time and often with your own money, we have no proper HR department and we are terribly disorganized. But every once in a while we get pizza.
• “Pay from $17 to $19 an hour, depending on experience” — Pay is $12 per hour, regardless of experience.
• “Lots of room for growth” — People keep quitting right and left.
• “Must be deadline oriented” — We’re giving you a bunch of stuff to work on that is already six months behind.
• “All we ask from you is…” — …your soul.
• “Dynamic environment” — Our leadership can’t make up their mind.
• “Must be flexible” — You will never do the same task twice. 
• “Some overtime required” — You will never see your family again.
• “Entry level” — The pay is entry level, but the work is not.
• “Able to think outside the box” — Do not ever think outside the box.
• “Must be detailed oriented” — We will scream and yell at you for the tiniest little mistake.
• “Genuine commitment to the role required” — The last ten people we hired all quit within six months.
• “Lots of perks and benefits” — There is a candy machine that is filled with five-year-old candy bars.
• “Must be a team player” — Must not question authority.
• “Must be able to multitask” — You’ll be doing the work of three people, but getting the salary of one.
• “Proficiency with MS Office required” — We don’t even know how to save something as a pdf.
• “Must have a wide variety of experience” — You’ll be doing the work of the four people who just quit last week.
• “Must be a self-starter” — We have no resources to train you.
• “Must be able to work independently” — The person who would have been your manager just quit last week.
• “Competitive salary” — Compared to the job you had in high school, this is a very competitive salary.
• “Must have excellent communication skills” — Because the people in charge of this company certainly don’t.
• “Must be a team player” — You will be stuck doing the jobs nobody else wants to do.
• “Must be passionate about the work” — You will not have time for any outside hobbies or interests.
• “Must be energetic” — We will keep you so busy you won’t have time to pee, let alone eat lunch.
• “Duties will vary” — Everybody here will boss you around.
• “Requires team leadership skills” — You will have the workload and responsibilities of a manager, but without the pay or benefits of a manager.
• “Join our fast-paced team” — We are so disorganized that we are always struggling to get caught up.
• “We believe in work/life balance” — And that balance is 100% work and 0% personal life.
• “Must have a good sense of humor” — You are going to hate it here.

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