If you’ve ever seen the movie Stand By Me, you’ll remember a wonderful scene where Gordie (played by Wil Wheaton) is pretending to shoot a gun owned by Chris’s dad. Having been reassured by Chris (played by River Phoenix) that the gun was unloaded, he pulls the trigger, blasting a hole in a garbage can and making a noise the entire town can hear. Both boys shout “Jesus!”, about wet their pants, and then come to what’s left of their senses and run off. (Just before the world’s ditsiest waitress comes out of the nearby restaurant they were hiding behind wanting to know who was firing off cherry bombs.)

For some reason (I forget why, for reasons you will soon discover), I wanted a screen cap of that scene where they yell “Jesus!” It’s hilarious and yet serious all at the same time, and neatly encapsulates all that is both terrifying and delightful about childhood. So I headed over to Google Images, typed in “Gordie Lachance Jesus”, and started scrolling through the results.

There was nothing even remotely close to what I was looking for. Maybe I should have given up sooner and tried some different search terms, but on page six, I finally found something that was almost what I was looking for. You can see it below, circled in blue:

Of course, the real shock is what came just before it, circled in red: Scott Baio as Chachi.

I know, I know, you can’t believe it, either. So I’ll say it again.

Scott. Baio. as. Chachi.

Google is generally quite reliable, but I had to go all the way to page six to find a picture that was close to what I was looking for, and even then it was preceded by Scott freakin’ Baio as Chachi.

Google Images, you really let us all down this time. What in the world does Scott Baio (a fifth-rate actor) or Chachi (an afterthought of a character) or even Happy Days (which was far from a good show by the time it went off the air) have to do with a truly great film like Stand by Me, or even with Gordi Lachance? Like those giant stone heads on Easter Island, it is a mystery*.

This was six or so months ago. As I recall, I had to spend a lot of time in a small, dark, quiet room with a number of prescription medications to get over it. Even so, it is only now that I can recall the horror of that day without cringing uncontrollably. Good thing I didn’t have a gun or I might have shot my computer.

Scott Baio as Chachi. Jesus.

*I know it’s not really called Easter Island anymore (it goes by its original and much more poetic name of Rapa Nui) and that we do know a lot about those gigantic stone heads, but still…Chachi? Honestly.

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