Welcome to episode #9 of the Silent Noise Project. This episode is 41 minutes and 10 seconds long and weighs in at 41.9 megabytes. As always, your mileage may, and probably will vary, because the internet is not a perfect place. Just like the world in general.
The People’s Revolutionary Podcast Naming Committee named this episode “the chicken sushi episode” because it’s time to talk about stupid things for a while. That is, we need to talk about things that are things that definitely should not be things. Like chicken sushi. But I spent more time talking about the corona virus than about raw chicken. It doesn’t matter, because you shouldn’t eat either of them.
Caution!This podcast is NSFW. That means you shouldn’t listen to it at work, unless you’re the boss. In that case, I recommend blasting it out over the loudspeakers to improve your staff morale. It’s also guaranteed to boost sales as well. There’s a study on the internet that proves that. (Actually, I just made that up, but since I put it on the internet, it must be true, right?)
I’m just an idiot with a microphone.
- Chicken sushi (or rather, chicken sashimi, as if that makes any difference) is a real thing.
- As it turns out, there is a proper way to make chicken sushi and this is it.
- Wait, this version has Doritos. Doritos FTFW!
- At any rate, do not put raw chicken in your gob-hole. Stop! Bad human!
Chapter 1 — Happier Times
- I remembered where I got the K-Mart commercial from. A man named Mark Davis worked there for a number of years and collected the tapes they used to play over the loudspeakers. He later transferred them to mp3 and uploaded them to the internet. The K-Mart sound archives are here. They are, for people of my age and socioeconomic status, a wonderful thing. Thanks, Mark.
- Also, if you find joy in that, please donate to the Internet Archive. Every bit of coin helps.
- I forgot to mention it, but K-Mart used to have blue light specials. You never knew what you were going to find.
- If you ever get over to the Detroit area, you can see an actual blue light.
- Also, I’m aware that I called this chapter two, when it’s really chapter one. You can consider this another alcohol reference.
- “Bomb-diggity.” Yes, I said that.
You know, that K-mart ad was recorded on an old tape decades ago, and the amazing thing is that it still sounds halfway decent. But it was a lot of work to clean that up. I mean, look at that waveform:
And it was really loud. As in, unbearably loud. A lot of clipping happened at some point along the way, I’m sure.
Chapter 2 — Love in the Time of Corona Virus
- Turns out you can find Night Shift on Amazon if you’re not a complete dorkasaurus. Here’s an affiliate link. (Yep, my inner capitalist in me is appealing to the lonely, desperate person you now are.)
- Also, Different Seasons is excellent.
- Yeah, a bleep. Turns out even I can’t put up with my own shit sometimes. Believe me, I know how you feel.
- It’s the end of the world as we know it…
- …and everybody hurts sometimes.
Chapter 3 — Isn’t it Ironic?
We have book covers…
Last, but not least, this kid…
He posts funny stuff all the time. You need that right now.
Okay, you know you need the real thing right now, in its entirety.
Also, here’s a haunting cover version by Chris Cornell
Both versions are just amazing.This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.Permalink for this article: